Edit: This is not a post against Greek Life or my sorority. It’s about my own personal feelings of feeling left out. My sisters and I try really hard to stay connected despite being bogged down with responsibilities, but depression and anxiety doesn’t care about that, it still makes me feel left out. This is just me expressing my feelings of loneliness.
“They say we’re losers and we’re alright with that.” – She’s Kinda Hot, 5 Seconds of Summer
I’m exhausted because I literally wear my body out with my ticcing. I’m exhausted because of my depression. I’m exhausted because of my medicine. I’m exhausted because it’s hard to be an out trans guy before starting any medical transitioning. I’m exhausted because I have to deal with transphobic people. I’m exhausted for too many reasons.
But right now I wanna talk about a specific reason I’m exhausted that you might not expect: Greek Life.
Yesterday, I read this article about “bottom tier” sororities written by one of my sorority’s alumni, Renée, and it just reminded me of how exhausted I am by Greek Life.
I’ve had people shit talk my sorority to my face and not even realize how hurtful that is. I’ve had people say they don’t approve of Greek Life because it’s too sexist and queerphobic, as if I, the trans kid, wouldn’t be able to identify sexism and all that shit for myself. As if I’m wrong for choosing to be a part of it despite the sexism. I’ve had girls tell me on the phone that they accept our bid only to walk out with another sororities group of pledges on initiation night 20 minutes later. I’ve had to vote on whether my sorority should shut down due to lack of numbers or keep on fighting.
And while I’m glad we chose to keep on fighting and to ignore the hate thrown our way, I’m still exhausted.
Everyone who’s not in our sorority thinks it’s easy to get new members: just change who you are to be more likeable.
But why should we have to change?
Changing feels like a betrayal to me. I chose to join this bottom tier sorority because I liked it. I’m afraid that if we change too much, we’ll lose what I love about us.
And I hate that I’m afraid of that because I should trust my sisters to not let that happen. I hate that I can’t get rid of that fear.
I hate having to constantly think of the image of the group in case it paints us in a negative light because in a larger sorority, the stakes aren’t as high because there’s more people to drown the negative out.
I hate the fact that we have to fight so hard to survive that most of our interactions feel like business and not sisterly bonding.
I hate that I feel left out in my own sorority because boosting our image means going to more parties and I don’t have the energy to do that. I hate that it feels like I get left behind because parties come first in Greek Life, introverts last.
I hate that I hate all these things because my sorority is the best thing to ever happen to me. I met some of my favorite people in the world and I struggle to appreciate it because I’m too exhausted by trying to maintain this bottom tier sorority.
I hate that sororities have tiers and that we’re stuck at the bottom.
I hate that maintaining my sorority took my sisters from me and ran because I’m too exhausted to keep up.
I hate Greek Life but I love my sorority and I’m exhausted.
I’m so fucking exhausted and I just want my sisters back.