I Have Severe Anxiety

 

I have severe anxiety.

It’s not new. It’s not a shock. It’s just…

There.

But with severe anxiety comes it’s symptoms. With it comes a fear of abandonment.

I won’t lie, I join groups on campus so often it’s probably pathological. I’m in a social sorority, a theatre fraternity, and I’m currently pledging a service fraternity. And that’s not even counting the other groups I’m involved in.

I’m so terrified of being left behind that I join group after group in the hopes that I’ll have a fall back if one hurts me. I can admit that. And I can admit that it’s not a logical course of action.

I’m not stupid, I know I can’t force friends. I know I need to trust my current friends to be there for me. I know that joining groups isn’t going to make my fears go away and it’s not going to protect me from getting hurt.

I’m not stupid, but there’s just one little catch that’s causing me to keep forgetting these logical things.

I have severe anxiety.

So when I say I’m feeling ignored, logically, I know that you are trying. I know you aren’t going to be my best friend just from hearing that and I know that you feel bad that I feel this way.

But I also know when you invalidate me. I know that there is precedent for me feeling this way and you don’t see it, so when you don’t acknowledge it, it hurts. It invalidates my experiences.

I don’t just feel ignored and unwanted for no reason. I may have anxiety, but I’m an outgoing person. I try my hardest to talk to people.

I’ve even given up on making friends – if you talk to me in the moment, I’m happy. You can never speak to me again if you want, just don’t ignore me when I put in the effort.

When I tell you I’m feeling ignored by you, it means you’re doing something wrong. Communication is a two-way street and I’m the only one who’s trying to walk down it.

I don’t need you to be my friend. I just want you to acknowledge me.

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