Get ready cos I just took my usual dose of klonopin on a mostly empty stomach and my roommate’s not here to make me sleep so I’m gonna get slightly high off my meds. And then I’m gonna write a blog post. Woohoo. Read this with more enthusiasm by the way cos I don’t always like to use exclamation marks and now is one of those times but like. Read this paragraph as if I had used them. I’m enthusiastic dammit. Also much of this paragraph should be in all caps.
But no. Like.
I kinda want write a blog post when my brain is in this state cos I feel like it needs to be seen? Heard? Explained? I don’t really know but strap in.
See, I don’t see it as getting high. I see it as running out of spoons (look up spoon theory if you’re confused, I don’t mean literal spoons) and subconsciously giving up on trying to pass as neurotypical, so I come across as high. No big deal, if you ask me. I’m pretty damn adorable when it happens. And it doesn’t always happen when I take my klonopin. It’s something that can happen randomly. Also, it happens surprisingly often at Walmart???? I’m not sure what’s up with that but Walmart has seen me in weird moods. Thanks Walmart. You are a good friendo.
See, I take klonopin for my Tourette’s, which is pretty linked to my autism. I take 3 tablets before bed, so when I don’t go to sleep right after, I get pretty high. It’s a slow acting drug though, so I don’t get high right away – but I act like it. So when I take it? It’s like my subconscious brain is like “ok the drug is gonna kick in soon I can take a break from acting ‘normal'” and then like it just chills til the klonopin clocks in and actually starts it’s shift. But when my brain takes that break, ‘normal’ is like just busted down with a battering ram and man am I strange. Last night I told my sorority that my mac n cheese was out to get me cos it tasted weird. It was just freezer burned.
I AM COLD.
Also I just ticced and slapped myself in the head. KLONOPIN KICK IN ALREADY.
But no real talk man, I’ve been super depressed for like a month and things just keep getting worse so I actually look forward to when my brain takes a break. And it’s not just cos of stress and stuff. Sometimes I just want to be an autistic stereotype of being too childish cos if I’m gonna be invalidated no matter what, I might as well ENJOY myself while it happens. You know how it is. (If you can’t see the shade I’m throwing right now, lucky you, it means I haven’t ranted to you about it.)
Things suck guys. Like. A lot.
I have things happening that I’m really scared of and it’s all so overwhelming and I want to cry all the time but I just.
Cos when you get to a certain point of depression you’re too numb to cry.
I should really eat, but
WHY AM I SO COLD.
Moving is a lot of effort. I think I’m gonna try to eat some chicken fried rice though.
I’m surprised at how coherent this is. Like. I make a lot of typos usually. Ayyyyy. Talent.