I’m Not Much For Observing

Sometimes I worry that I’m talking too much about autism, or about gender. I don’t want to be that annoying record always on repeat. But at the same time, I feel like I have to keep talking because if I don’t, who will? I need to make sure people learn about these things from someone who speaks from experience and not from someone who has prejudices against them.

But it can be tiring to have to be spokesperson all the time. To feel like I have to force myself to write.

That’s why I quit my school’s newspaper, The Augustana Observer. As nice as it was to get paid to write (really nice, seriously), it made me start to hate writing.

My family has always told me I should be a professional writer. I’m so good at it, they tell me. Maybe that’s true. But it’s not something I’d be willing to do for a living. I’d rather be paid to do something that I’m not too fond of than let a paying job ruin my love of something.

It’s a little similar to how I started feeling about lighting earlier this year. If you don’t know, I want to be a professional lighting designer after I graduate. Yet I started resenting stage lighting because it felt like I get stuck doing only lighting at my college, like I couldn’t do anything else. Lighting might be my favorite part of theatre, but it’s not the sole reason I love theatre enough to want to do it for a living. I enjoy all parts of the theatre. I talked to my professors about this and made it known that I don’t want to limit my skills and they were completely understanding.

I started hating writing because I always had a deadline to make, and an article to write, even if the subject didn’t particularly interest me.

I loved my job at the Observer. My co-workers were great, my editors let me come up with my own ideas, and the pay was good. But I’m just not cut out for writing as a job.

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