Burning

We all creep a little closer to death with every passing second, but it’s different for us all.

I read a joking post on the internet once about how oxygen is slowly killing us by setting our insides on fire slowly, it just takes the average human lifetime for it to finally kill us. There was a joke about aliens thinking humans are insane. Fire Breathers, humans were called.

I loved that post because I’d rather inch closer to death in a bad ass way like burning from oxygen than the way I currently am, burning myself up with anxiety and depression and self-hatred.

Just smile more, I’m told, as if a forced smile will cure the crippling depression that makes me want to die on a daily basis. Don’t worry so much, just go to work and to class, my anxiety isn’t that bad. Just get a regular sleep schedule, that’ll fix all my god damn problems.

Respect your elders, they say. They’re wiser than you, they say.

Where were those elders when my anxiety went overlooked for seven years. When my depression went over looked for eight. When my autism not only got overlooked, but outright insulted for being a diagnosis. Multiple times.

Why should I respect the elders who made me ashamed of the way I am? Who took my anxiety and depression and cranked them up a hundred percent and then got mad at me for not being able to handle it?

I step closer to death with every passing day and with every passing day I make two things clear: I will welcome Death with open arms, but I will not stop Living without putting up a fight.

All the things about me, that people don’t want to deal with – I will wear it on my skin with pride.

I won’t hide my bad days when they happen in front of you, because why should you get to escape them when I can’t?

I have to face my depression, my anxiety, my autism, my tourette’s, my gender dysphoria head on, everyday. So if you try to avoid it when I bring it up, I will yank you back around until you’re face to face with it.

And everyday I live, I will say to Life “you messed up a perfectly good kid, is what you did. Look at me, I’ve got anxiety.”

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