Aphobia Is Real

Isolation is a habit for me. I hate it, but I still do it.

A lot of it stems from fear.

When I first came out as asexual, it didn’t go well. When I came out as genderfluid, I didn’t have it as bad as it could have been, but I still don’t like talking about it.

I’ve experienced emotional abuse and gaslighting.

I’ve had incompetent doctors and misdiagnoses. I’ve had doctors tell me I can’t be autistic because I have friends.

But lately my fear comes from the queer community itself:

There’s hordes of people trying to exclude asexual and aromantic people from the queer community. They’re denying the queerphobia that we’ve experienced because we don’t fit their standards.

They’re regurgitating the same shitty arguments that TERFs used first on trans women and then on bisexual individuals.

My experiences are being belittled because apparently being ace isn’t gay enough.

But here’s the thing: if you’re cisgender heteroromantic asexual, you’re queer. If you’re cisgender heterosexual aromantic, you’re queer. If you’re cisgender aromantic asexual, you’re queer.

Obviously, you don’t have to reclaim that label if you don’t personally want to, but no one can take it from you.

I’m not queer because I’m trans. I’ve been queer long before I realized I was trans.

I used to be out as a cisgender heteroromantic asexual girl. I was still queer.

Realising I was trans didn’t make me queer – it just added to my experience.

If you’re going to call me queer, you have to be willing to call any ace or aro person queer, regardless of the rest of their identity.

I haven’t been able to find a safe space in the queer community, and at this point, I don’t think I want to. I’ve only experienced toxicity and hatred.

If you want to try to befriend me and talk about this stuff, go for it. Just know that I’ve been scared away from every queer safe space I’ve tried to join. 



  1. It upsets me every time when I see the aphobia. Gatekeepers claim the A in LGBTQIA stands for ALLY even though they’ve never been part of the community, just involved through their children (and if they support them)
    I’m not part of the whole community, as I’ve experienced several moments that made me feel in danger.
    But I still strongly believe that we have to reclaim our title. We have to push those who act as if only gay people are allowed in the community back into their place and make clear, that we are all valid. Not just them.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Exactly. It’s scary because it’s the same tactics used by TERFs and biphobes. They’re just picking a nee target.
      I follow a lot of ace and aro blogs and it helps a bit but I still come across aphobia and it freaks me out.


  2. :\ I’m really sorry you’ve experienced that. I run an ace Tumblr and I’ve definitely gotten some super shitty messages and reblogs – and I’m not even heteroromantic. I know the “discourse” will blow over more or less someday, but until then it does so much awful damage. I know plenty of people try to fight it, but it’s hard to willingly make yourself a target. I hope you find your safe space – we have some amazing allies in the queer community, but I know it’s almost impossible to wade through all the hate to get to them.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m trying really hard to remain a safe space for other people in my situation so they don’t feel like I do, but it’s hard making myself a target. But I’d rather take the brunt of it then have some kid who’s trying to figure out their identity treated like crap.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s