The Spider

I saw a spider the other day while I was stimming and I was both scared and annoyed – the spider freaked me out and disrupted my stimming and I couldn’t go back to stimming because the spider was in my way, which, honestly, rude.

What’s worse is it’s still at large but it’s doing nothing about the ants in my house. If it’s gonna squat here it might as well help me out.

I cried last night.

I cried so hard I almost cried myself to sleep, but then I was crying too much and it kept me awake.

Not because of the spider, but the spider has caused me to be a bit too paranoid to sleep lately so maybe a little bit because of the spider. I cry more when I’m sleep deprived.

Before I cried, I was dissociating like crazy. I was half-convinced I was dead. That’s logical, sometimes. I must be dead, obviously.

I can’t stop thinking about that spider.

It’s smaller, not a blur, but it’s familiar.

It’s familiar because it reminds me of the creatures I kept seeing during the summer I had my psychotic break. The summer I became nocturnal and nearly killed myself.

The blurs aren’t back, but the spider is too similar to them and it’s aggravating.

I haven’t been able to sleep in my room since that summer. Too many blur creatures. Too dark, too cramped. The Baymax-monster dreams had left me alone that summer, but they came back this year. It’s hard to sleep at night when you’re losing your mind.

I can’t sense the ghosts anymore, and maybe that’s for the best. The deer always freaked me out a bit. Anna says evil spirits follow me. It seems like all my meds do is block me from sensing the ghosts.

I’d rather be blocked from the intrusive thoughts.

The crawling I feel on my skin all the time is too small to be the spider, but sometimes I wish it was to make it less abstract and paranoid.

Maybe the spider is friendly.

Maybe it’s not.

Maybe my parents were replaced by aliens long ago. Maybe people are out to get me. Maybe I’m dead already.

Oh well.

What can I do about it if it’s true?

Spiders are fast and I’m not gonna seek it out if it’s not personally attacking me.

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